Today marks the anniversary of the untimely death of my good friend Chris. It has been one year since Dave called me to let me know that his best friend had passed away while on vacation with his family. The numbing pain as I hung up the phone and immediately called his wife still sits in my chest when I think about it. The utter feeling of helplessness when I called her hundreds of miles away to ask "what can I do for you". All she said was "Get here" and we went. We went to be with Michelle and their four children but we really couldn't help, we couldn't do anything except grieve with her.
I'm trying to think of what I want to write about Chris. I've been thinking about it for weeks, months even. Chris was an amazing guy. He was goofy and fun but could also frustrate the hell out of you. He was kind, so incredibly kind. He is an amazing dad. I cannot write this in the past tense because he has four incredible kids who carry on his legacy. They are caring, wonderful kids who have shown such strength and resilience in such a difficult time. Chris is a hands on dad, his whole world revolved around his family. It wasn't always easy for Chris to be there for his family, seeing how he worked retail and the hours can be exhausting. He tried, he tried and cared more than so many other fathers out there. I guess this is one of the reasons why his death is so hard. How can you not be angry when this loving dad is ripped from his family while so many other horrible, abusive people still breath. I see Chris in his kids' faces. I know he is with them and I know the short time they had with him gave them the love and guidance they need to make the world a better place.
Chris married his high school sweetheart, Michelle. Not many people can say that, not many people can say that and still love that person more than anything else in the world. Chris could drive Michelle nuts, frustrate her, and on more than one occasion she would just look at me and shake her head and roll her eyes. Most of the time Dave was right there with him causing me to shake my head as well. I always laugh when I think about us calling each other to commiserate when our husbands were sick. Making jokes on their behalves while they suffered through colds or some other ailment. Above all this, she loved him. She loves him so much. He is her heart and soul. She talks to him all the time on Facebook. It is a comfort to her, to share her thoughts with him. To communicate with him in a method that he was always communicating to everyone on. I read her posts and I cry. I cry for her pain and sadness. I cry because I can't help her. I cannot fix what is wrong. I cannot make it better. Sometimes I feel as if I'm an intruder listening in on an intimate moment between two people while I'm hundreds of miles away.
Chris is the first close friend I have lost. His death brings a lot of guilt to me. We moved away 14 years ago. We left Massachusetts to go South to escape the cold. It had been two years since I had seen Chris when he died. I remember the time so vividly as he held me up and supported me while I lost it at my grandmother's funeral. I didn't know two years later I would lose my shit again at his wake and service. I feel guilty because it had been so long since we had seen each other. I feel guilty because I separated my husband from his best friend when we moved. I feel guilty because maybe I wasn't as good as a friend as Chris deserved.
Chris's death has brought fear into my life. Fear that the same thing could happen to my husband. That for some unforeseen reason some day Dave will be gone and I'll be alone. Since we lost Chris, I watch Dave closely. I scrutinize his every movement making sure he is alright. I wake up at night and watch him, guard him in his sleep just to make sure nothing will happen to him. I'm not strong like Michelle. I don't think I could handle what she has had to handle. Fear that Chris is bored and he'll have Dave come join him so they can "kick around some ideas" together. Hell, I'm afraid to let Dave wear purple because I know how much Chris loved it. Fear that it could happen to me. I'm 41 and overweight. Since Chris died every time I get a twinge in my arm or chest I now have a moment of panic. I think about how heart attacks in women are often silent and I have a panic attack just thinking of the idea what was once a possibility for all of us became a reality for a friend.
I suppose I'm angry still. Angry that he is gone, angry that people I love are suffering because he is gone. Angry that I'm a nervous wreck about my own husband because Chris is gone. I remember sitting in the church at Chris's funeral. I looked up and I thought "You took him God, are you happy now? Do you feel good about this?" I was so angry, I couldn't get down on my knees and pray. Asking God to take care of him. Chris is an incredible person, we shouldn't have to ask. You better be taking care of him.
Of course I am sad. I still cry all the time. I cry more for Michelle and the kids. I cry for what they have to go through. I'm sad because I miss him too. I'm sad for Dave who lost someone who was more of a brother than a friend. Someone who was closer to him that most families are. There are things that make me think of Chris and out of no where I'll shed some tears. Like not too long ago in the middle of a Guster concert I start crying because we had all gone to see them together years before. I got all weepy playing Trivial Pursuit the other day. I have never had anyone compete against me like Chris in a game. I don't know if I ever will. If it hadn't been for my desire to squash his bragging in a game of Trivial Pursuit I don't think I would have gotten to know Dave as well on the night we met. Yes the urge to beat down Chris in a board game led the way to the love of my life.
Most of all I'm grateful. I'm grateful to have been able to call Christian Madeiros one of my best friends for almost 20 years. I'm grateful for Chris to have given me Michelle as one of my dearest friends in the world. It has been my lot in life to have friends filter in and out. I don't know why it just happens. Somehow these two have always been there. For some reason they saw that I was a friend worth having and they stuck around. For that I am eternally grateful. I hope I can continue to be the friend Michelle needs and deserves. I am grateful for all the fun memories that we were able to make in such a short time. I even forgive you for not mentioning me at all in the best man speech at my wedding. I know your spirit is still with Michelle and the kids. I know you will always be there to guide and support them. I know everyone who has met you and loved you holds you close in their hearts forever. I know someday it will be easier to think of you and not bawl my eyes out. I suppose someday I'll let go of the guilt, fear, and anger. I know for sure that I am eternally grateful to have had you in my life and the world is a better place because you were in it.
