There has to be a way.....

I suppose there has to be a way.  I'm not entirely sure of the way.  Seeing I have been trying to 15 years I don't think that I know what way is up any more, or for my case down.  Yes, I am talking about the never ending battle to try to lose weight. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me whine about it and then catch me eating chocolate two days later.  Heck I know many more people are struggling with issues far greater than having to buy clothes in the WOMEN'S section.  I guess my problem really became a frightening realization a few weeks ago when a doctor told me people with a BMI or higher only have a 35% chance of living to 65 years old.  Um, what!!!!  So basically if I don't get myself under control I won't live to be the age of my mom.  Holy shit, I mean holy fucking shit is that a scary thing to hear.  You would think after hearing that I would run straight to the treadmill.  I didn't.  I think I might have run straight to the ice cream.  
So why is it that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to taking care of myself?  Why is it that I know I should stay away from sweets but I eat them with pure enjoyment?  Why is it that I know I should go to the gym more but yet I lost my sneakers for a week? 
People will take you the secret to weight loss is simple, "eat less move more".  If it was that simple why are so many people overweight?  The thing that most people don't realize is that when you are lugging around an extra 75 pounds moving more isn't easy.  In fact it hurts like hell. It just aches.  I cannot really describe it except to say when I see someone running on prosthesis or learning how to walk again I cannot help feel like a big cry baby.  I mean seriously why can't I do this?  I watch my dad struggle to breathe when he walks and can he can barely move.  I have no idea how the man manages to tie his shoes.  I watch him plan his day around his next meal and the only activities he enjoys focus around food.  I am disgusted and horrified with his behavior of throwing it all away rather than take control of his diabetes but yet don't I do the same thing?
I feel like I've been trying to lose weight for 15 years but I feel like I've been stopping myself from being successful just as long.  In 2001 I earned a Master's of Education in Health Promotion.  I'm literally a master in health.  I should be skinny.  I should be healthy.  Instead I'm confused.  I am so confused about what is the way to go to achieve health.  Do I banish sugar from my life?  Do I take anything made with wheat and throw it to the birds?  Do I pound down shakes three meals a day and lose my sanity?  Do I join Weight Watchers for the 11th time since I was 19 years old?  Clapping at people getting to goal while secretly wishing they would burst into flames.  Yeah best to stay away from that one.  Do I resort to taking medication to kill my appetite?  Medication where a side effect is hallucinations.  Hmm maybe I'll see cupcakes chasing me and I'll run from them.  Nah the truth is I'd chase them down and win.  Do I resort to weight loss surgery?  Do I put my life at risk under anesthesia because I can't put down the cookies?  Scary huh?  I am actually considering it.  I went to a session on bariatric surgery.  I wasn't turned away.  I was welcomed.  I'm actually considered a candidate.  Again, holy fuck how did I get here?
Well surgery is not an option, not because I'm afraid to die.  It is not an option because obesity is not considered a medical condition in South Carolina and my insurance won't pay for it.  Considering how much I've spent on other weight loss plans over the years, it would be a deal but not right now.
I suppose I need to figure out what to do.  I suppose I need to do it on my own.  I suppose I just cannot give up on myself. 
Tonight, I'm starting over again.  I'm going to exercise with a friend and someone who has been called a "miracle worker" helping people lose weight.  I'm still upside down on what to put in my mouth.  I think tomorrow I'll start with just no processed foods and more vegetables and see how we do from there.  Starting tonight I will not be my own worst enemy, I will be my own best ally.  I have to be.  I'm the one who got me here I'm the one who has to get me out. I just wish I had a map.  A easy to read, easy to fold map, "Follow the path to weight loss".  Kind of like a weight loss version of Candy Land.  Follow the path to get out of the Candy Cane Forest and the Gumdrop Mountain.  Just follow the path and you will come out of Candy Land.  At the end of the path there were be  Oneder Land,  The Bikini Zone, and the Forest of Full Length Mirrors.  I think I might be on to something.  I suppose I might need to make my own path in this game I'm playing again.